Is there anybody there?
SCARBOROUGH'S ONCE PREMIER FORTUNE TELLER
You will stopped by a man in the street who is carrying a watermelon with the words 'I am James' crudely written on the watermelon with a Sharpie pen.
An old lady will follow you whilst walking at a brisk pace in zig-zags but will stop still like a statue when you turn round to look.
A boy with a squeaky voice and a snotty nose riding a scooter will starting shouting at you from the other side of the street.
You will hear a man singing Barry Manilow songs loudly in a supermarket car park, as you get closer they will stop abruptly shouting "here comes the gear change".
A shop assistant will stare at your shoes whilst making passive aggressive tutting sounds.
A delivery person will knock on your door and say “greetings’ in the style of Joey Boswell from Bread.
A man in an ill-fitting chicken suit will run past your house screaming “cluck-cluck-bang, cluck-cluck-bang” then stop and look at you smiling.
A cart-wheeling girl wearing day-glo legwarmers will pester you for sweets and fizzy pop just as you are exiting a shop.
A radio presenter doing an outside broadcast will stop you and announce that you have been chosen by random to win the cold meat variety hamper on air, before they link back to the studio and play Tragedy by Steps, they will want to speak to you live on air.
A time-weathered looking lady with an ornate hat made of fruit (and a Lonsdale tracksuit) dancing an out of time samba whilst singing “chica chica boom chic” will stop you in the street.
They will then make conversation and suddenly say, “…beware of the boiling pan of beans, add a little butter to soften as they may stick to the bottom of the pan and cause tea-time misery, then the potato Happy Faces won’t be so happy anymore”.
With a stern manner they will then say “Have you seen my dog, if you pat its head it will wag its tail. That’s how a dog works, would you like to try?”.
Looking you up and down they will say “would you like an arm wrestle… best of three?”.
With a disappointed look on their face they will say, “I was going to have toast for breakfast, but there was no bread, could you lend me some bread”.
Excitedly they will shout out “I’ve got a wobbly tooth, do you want to meet me outside Poundland and see it?”
With mesmerising eyes they will ask you if you would like to take a look in their bag of fancy items.
Looking alarmed and anxious they will tell you to not step on the grass verges as the worms don’t like it and it makes them sad. With this they ask if you would like to join them singing happy songs to the worms to cheer them up.
They tell you that their dog (that wears a David Essex style neckerchief) can drive a car with its paws, and howl along to Bon Jovi on the car stereo and ask you if you would like to ‘go for a spin’ with them and their dog in their Austin Maestro.
They suddenly start telling you that a ghost visited them in the night and told them where a hoard of secret treasure is buried. They ask if you would help them find the treasure and help digging it up in return for a really large bag of midget gems.
They tell you that they have bumper-sized box of Findus Crispy Pancakes in their freezer at home and intend to cook and eat them all whilst watching the entire series of Bagpuss, they ask if you would like to join them.
It would be wise to heed what they say and contemplate the outcome as opportunity may not be so forthcoming a second time.
You must consider all possibilities with this, a wrong decision could cause you to be very disappointed, not specifically about this matter, but life in general.
It would be in your best interest to avoid this proposition and instead make your excuses that you have to get ready for bingo night.
Instead challenge them to a duel at sunset as you slap their face with silk white gloves.
Beware! This could be a diversion trick to steal your library card details and take out racey Mills & Boon novels in your name.
Don’t be fooled that this will be a happy outcome, people in the past have embraced this only to find it is actually a distasteful concept.
It would be more appropriate to respond to them with a demonstration of bodypopping and freestyle breakdance, (if you don’t know how to do this, just make it up as you go along, the untrained eye will not know) they will then lose interest in you.
Run up the nearest set of steps like Rocky and punch the air shouting “Yessss…”.
It is important that you pretend you are invisible, keep asking them if they can see you whilst waving your arms. Keep this up until either you or themselves are tired of the situation and you both part company amicably.
Their proposition is not a good idea, if you tell them that you are related to Gyles Brandreth and you would like him to take up their proposition and have a chat with them, the tense situation will soon remedy itself.
Oh… and don’t worry too much about the Death Card, it is simply reminding you that you are low on milk and will run out soon.
Oh… and don’t worry too much about the Death Card, it is simply indicating that it is likely to rain mid-week so don’t forget your brolly.
Oh… and don’t worry too much about the Death Card, it is simply warning you that you have accidentally mixed spoons with forks together in the kitchen cutlery draw. We all do it at times when we are in a hurry.
Oh… and don’t worry too much about the Death Card, it is simply telling you to be careful when you next eat a Twix bar, the biscuit base will be weaker than normal, if you are not careful biting the toffee top off first the biscuit base is liable to break. Progress with caution when next attempting to eat a Twix ‘correctly’, (toffee top off first, then biscuit base).
Oh… and don’t worry too much about the Death Card, it is simply reminding you that if you want toast tomorrow you only have crusts left so you will need to visit the shops before they close.
Oh… and don’t worry too much about the Death Card, it is simply pointing out that you should avoid over-flavoured pickled onion Monster Munch the next time you have a mouth ulcer. It could sting a bit.
Oh… and don’t worry too much about the Death Card, it is simply saying that your Amazon delivery has been left in the recycling wheelie bin whilst you were out, so don’t forget it is there before putting the bins out.
Oh… and don’t worry too much about the Death Card, it is simply pointing out that your supermarket bag for life has a fraying handle so hasn’t much life left and needs to be replaced.
Oh… and don’t worry too much about the Death Card, it is simply pointing out that your batteries are getting low in your telly remote control.
Oh… and don’t worry too much about the Death Card, it is simply telling you that your friends don’t actually like that last coat you bought. They said it looked lovely, but actually thought it did nothing for you.